A Storm In A Cloakroom

A Storm In A Cloakroom

Comedy, it’s the last bastion of free speech isn’t it?

Well you might have thought so, if you go to stand up shows, you’ll hear all sorts of jokes and opinions from comedians from politically opinionated routines, gags about celebrities, and downright sick humour all the way to the outright childish gags and silly puns.

Should comedians be concerned about the subject of their jokes? Every gag has a target after all. Are comics defaming their subject, or can they defend themselves by saying “I was only joking”

Just this week in comedy clubs I’ve seen comics talk about their ex-partners in a derogatory way, accuse politicians of lying, accuse celebrities of doing all manner of naughty things, say that their ex school teacher was up to all sorts of inappropriate stuff, suggest that the builder who came to fix their kitchen was a cowboy… and much more.

All of the routines involved naming the person involved.

There seems to be a fine line between making a joke and defaming someone.

 

My Flyer for my show

In my case I did my Edinburgh show last year in a venue called “The Staff Room” at the Three Sisters. The venue literally was the staff cloakroom, it held roughly 20-25 people squashed in to the place, some of the staff even had their coats hung up next to where the comics performed. 

Most Edinburgh shows involve some kind of story telling and on the last night of my show I made a joke, which got a big laugh, about someone I used to work with.

A few weeks after my show was over I was surprised to get a letter from a solicitor which said that I had defamed the person I made the joke about and that I should pay £1,000 to the charity of his choice and never make the gag again, and even went on to name upcoming shows at which I should not say the joke.

Naturally I was offended that anyone could pluck a figure of £1,000 out of fresh air, expect me to pay it; and also try and stop me from saying something.

On reflection I have better jokes than the one I said, and it only works in the context of the show, so I was unlikely to say it again anyway.

I phoned up Equity, I had been a member for 20 years. My local representative would be sure to sort it out wouldn't he?. 
His advice was "Oh well you'd better pay up..." WHAT! I was seething was that it? Pay up? For what? I thought Equity was there to help me. Well stuff Equity, I got onto someone who knew what he was tlaking about

I had to seek legal advice from a nice chap who sorted it all out Barjinder Sahota, from Sahota’s solicitors in London. He wrote to the offended party and got them to back off, and suggest that its wrong for them to say whether I can make a joke or not.

Ultimately the offended person would have to pay his solicitor to get £1,000 from me regarding a joke heard by 20 people in a cloakroom-not worth the cost or the hassle.

Had this gone a step further usually solicitors suggest that it is worth following the patch of mediation where the parties agree a solution and don’t go to court. Going to court and speaking about matters in public can actually further damage someone’s reputation

So I put a few questions to Mr Sahota to see if he could help comedians out.

What is Defamation?

Defamation in a nutshell is where you overstep the mark in hurting someone's reputation without proper reasons allowed by law such as truth or where you have a duty or interest to talk about it.

What is the difference between libel and slander?

Libel is a communication in permanent form ie writing; slander is if the communication is transitory ie verbal communications (unless they are spoken on tv or radio when they become permanent and so the slander becomes a libel too).

If you tell a joke about someone and they think it is defamatory what can they do?

Well, they could 'sue the pants off you' if it happens to be defamatory and you don't have a good defence... but joking aside a joke should be kept a 'joke' and no-one, if you tell it as a joke, should take it seriously but if you are going to tread on a named person's toes by making any factual allegations about their character, then, it may be best to get it checked out by lawyer'.

What is the worst that could happen to a comedian if they tell a joke on stage, and the subject of the joke thinks it is defamatory?

If the comedian is rich then he may lose a  month's work of money (so no big deal), if he is poor, then perhaps he should retire and go on the dole... but seriously, is successful defamation could mean the tens of thousands of pounds in damages, and, if you have a house, you may lose that... so consequences can seriously damage the you wallet and your home.

What is likely to happen?

Well if you get good early legal advice then the likelihood is that if you have a good defence then you should not be too worried - but if you don't, even then providing you get good early legal advice, a lawyer can guide you through the legal minefield, and most likely you will soon be back on stage... and actually end up having the last joke.

Is it worse for the comedian if a joke is said in a small club, or a large theatre or on TV?

The size and 'target' audience is an important factor when it comes to how serious the libel is viewed, especially on the issue of size of damages... the bigger the audience the bigger the damages but if they are your immediate peers or people who are important to your career or life, then even a small audience (say 20 people) can attract damages of over £20,000.  Also if the libel is repeated by others who heard it from you then you could be held liable for the spread or repetition of the libel.  So what started off with 20 people could end up heard by thousands, for which you may be held liable if a causal link can be established.  Generally though the smaller the audience the safer you are.  If you say it on TV or in a large theatre then you can not use size in mitigation if someone sues.

So do you have any guidelines for comedians in what is a “grey area” of free speech v personal reputation

(some comedians are very political and want to make a point)

This is a very nuanced and complex question and it's difficult to generalize. However it should be safe to attack policies but not the personal integrity of the politician.  But in reality many politicians like being 'joked about' , so long as it does not go to their intergrity or honesty, as it gives them publicity... but the clever comedians are not so direct, they can their cracks in at the expense of the politicians who don't even realise it.  A subtle joke is worth ten blunt ones...  The debate of free speech and the right to personal reputation belongs in the lecture theatre not the comic hall.. .so lets keep the two apart, I say 'joke away and be damned'.  But seriously if you are going to attack a prominent politician's integrity or honesty, even as a joke, its best to get some legal advice first'

A comedy audience not being offended

If some one is in the public eye such as a celebrity or a politician, are they fair game for any comments?

See above... but I would add that they are not 'fair game' since if sued you have to prove the words were comment as opposed to any factual allegations. Also the comments have to have some basis on facts which are true.  But for the comedian the better defence would be that no one would take the matter seriously, as the whole context was a joke, and or just vulgar abuse which again no reasonable listener would take seriously.

Is a celebrity's reputation easier to mock?

Or are they more likely to sue than a member of the public?

Does  the problem really lie where you name someone?

Everybody who is anybody has a reputation to protect but those in the public eye generally have more to lose and so are more likely to sue for that reason as well as having the money to do so.   Even if you don't name the person... you can still get into a lot of trouble if it can be proved that a sufficient number of people knew who you were referring to. So anonymity of the target subject will not necessarily protect you.

Some examples

If I say on stage “I think the Daily Mail is racist” could they sue?

Most likely not... as the Mail would probably just ignore you - this would also come in the category of vulgar abuse and something that no one is likely to take too seriously, or your honest comment - though in a different setting being called a 'racist' could land you in court.

If I say “I think journalist X who writes in the Daily Mail is racist” could they sue?

Yes, this could be a risky allegation unless you could defend with some examples of how and why you believed this.

If someone says on stage “Jeremy Clarkson is racist” could he sue?

Yes he could sue but then again you would have the defence of it being only a joke or vulgar abuse.  Anyway would Clarkson sue?

If Jeremy Clarkson insults an entire nation in a TV broadcast could the entire nation of say, Mexico sue him or the BBC?

No, this would be too broad a group.   Only individuals or an identifable (ie by name) group of individuals can sue - so Clarkson can slag off a nation with impunity.

Trials

Whilst a trial is ongoing all we can hear from the press is a fair accurate and contemporaneous report of court proceedings.

If a newspaper were to print stories about the background of the trial whilst it is going on would they be in contempt of court? as a juror could read their article.

Most likely not, the paper is free to print a report of the court's proceedings - the juror on the other hand could be in trouble as they are not suppose to do research or read media reports on their case whilst it is ongoing.

But would a comedian be in contempt of court if they made a joke or gave away any background material to the trial whilst onstage in a comedy club? For example Fred Talbot the TV weatherman is now on trial, I live in Manchester, he stands accused of sexual acts with young boys in the Manchester area. There are jokes “doing the rounds” about him in Manchester at the moment, can we speak about this trial on stage?

You would be on dangerous territory to comment on ongoing trials - and could be in contempt if a Judge thought you were trying to influence the trial for or against the accused. I'd advise to wait till the trial is over.

What do you think of these jokes? they were broadcast on TV or the internet

Are they defamatory? Could they result in legal action?

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZb_POyXd1Q

Jimmy Carr

“They say there’s safety in numbers, yeah, tell that to 6 million Jews”

Bad taste maybe but not legally actionable in my view...

Frankie Boyle

(impersonating the Queen ) “I’m so old my pussy is haunted”

The BBC had many complaints about this joke, in an enquiry they found that it WAS offensive but took no further action as it was on a tv show after 10pm

Again very poor taste... and obviously offensive..but the Queen would not sue.

Frankie Boyle

on “TV shows you would never see”

“Later Vanessa Feltz will be joining me on the settee and I’ll be bouncing through the F**** ceiling

Bad taste, vulgar abuse etc... but in any event I doubt if she has any intention of suing - I think?

Frankie Boyle

on “TV Shows you would never see” “….And now over to Kate Humble who is going to kick the face off a badger”

In the bad taste, vulgar abuse defence category.

Frankie Boyle

“Things you would never hear on the radio”

“…What a hilarious singing dog…Susan Boyle is”

See above... maybe bad taste, but clearly is vulgar abuse and not to be taken seriously.

Frankie Boyle

“If I wanted to see people opening empty boxes I’d spend Christmas morning at Kerry Katona’s house

Probably could get away with it as vulgar abuse, so not to be taken seriously.

A Comedy Club

A Song about Boris Johnson

If someone sings a song called “Boris Johnson is a C-word” could Boris sue?

I doubt if Boris would sue, but this is vulgar abuse and in any event no mainstream station would allow it.

How can “Mock the week” have a “Too Hot for TV” DVD on sale? If the material is offensive then why do they sell it?

Mainstream channels have duties of taste and decency and other obligations to fulfil under the licence terms from Ofcom and other regulators - a DVD which is sold independently may be able to exclude itself from these obligations.. but I have my doubts about this being independent.  I suspect the real reason for giving it this "Too hot for TV" label is to boost its sales.    It would be subject to the same laws of the land even if outside the ambit of Ofcom and other regulators.

Peter Kay case

 http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1320371/10000-damages-for-fire-officer-who-was-put-out-by-Channel-4.html

CHANNEL 4 paid £10,000 compensation to a fire safety officer who said a hapless character in Peter Kay’s comedy series was based on him. (Daily Telegraph)

 What’s your take on this case? Hasn’t the Fire Safety Officer actually further damaged his reputation by taking this case to court?

I rather not comment on this one... on my own legal advice. However I just say that anyone who sues, risks spreading the libel (albeit its done with the intention of getting vindication) far further than not taking any action at all - however some libels will spread a lot more unless you take action to stop them.

Katie Price

 http://www.theguardian.com/media/2010/dec/10/katie-price-frankie-boyle-joke

Katie Price threatened legal action against Frankie Boyle after he made a joke about her disabled son

Clearly very bad taste whatever you think about Katie Price - I don't know the outcome of the threatened action.

Comedian and Comedy Audience

Mother in Law

In America, a comedian was sued by her mother in law for telling too many jokes about her

 http://www.today.com/id/32567262/ns/today-today_news/t/no-joke-comic-sued-over-mother-in-law-gibes/#.VM1P69KsWSo

Could this happen in the UK?

This one is really funny (saw the clip)...  I'd be happy to defend any comedian feeling set on by their mother-in-law.... joke.   I say.. joke away. 

High profile comedy club advertising

SO to sum up do you have any guidelines for comedians?

Well just stay away from personal attacks - and if you have money.. get legal advice on your gags.. if you have any concerns

Many comics tend to walk a fine line along this path, have a few drinks before you go onstage and let your big mouth run away with you and things could turn nasty, perhaps best not to name the person in the “True story” told onstage. Or if you are going to name the person in the routine you’d best make sure that it is true

If you have a problem, and no one else can help, and you can find Mr Sahota, it’s not too difficult really,

…his office is on the Strand in London. http://www.libel-law.co.uk
#barjindersahota Sahota Solicitors (@LibelSolicitor).on twitter

http://www.ftbpro.com/posts/roland.gent/1339074/mega-transfer-fees-worth-every-penny-or-not

Some of my scribblings on football.

You Should Always Keep In Touch With Your Friends

Jane Kitson died last week, I went to the funeral it was a heart rending, sad, wonderful tearful occasion.

Simply through sheer determination she forged herself a career in the media being the voice of Sheffield music. Aged 15 as a school age punk rocker I used to tune into a show on Radio Sheffield on Saturday afternoon called ROTT they played all the punk stuff in the indie charts. It was a youth access show. You could hear things that you didn't hear on Radio One, I did not recall John Peel playing stuff by the likes of Conflict or the Mob or Chesterfield's Septic Psychos. I used to record these shows on my then state of the art cassette player and listen to them over and over.

The show moved to Friday nights, I won the debut Toy Dolls album in a competition, the show never sent me my prize. So I rang up again, and again, til they asked me to pop up to Sheffield, from Chesterfield and get it. I went into the Norfolk St studios on a Thursday to be met by the then presenter, Chris Andrews, who met me with the words "Ah Toy Dolls album!" he then prduced a five pound note out of his pocket and said " here you go pop to the shops and buy it" 
"Oh so it's like that is it?" I thought, " I buy my own prize, well this is different..."
I dutifully went to the HMV shop and returned with my own prize. I could have taken the fiver and never returned, but I wanted more, I came back to the studios and was interviewed by Sara Smith who appeared on the show, and I ended up on the Friday show. This was great.

I started going to Radio Sheffield every Friday night making radio interviewing bands, reviewing records, editing tapes it was great, this was what I wanted. About a year later three girls Jane Kitson, Michelle Malone and Jane (Stanton, I think) showed up.

We hung around went to gigs became great friends and generally had a great time on the Sheffield music scene, which was pretty much the Leadmill the University and the Hallamshire pub. this was the 80s I recall that Phil Oakey from the Human League had appeared on local TV a few years earlier bemoaning the fact there was nowhere to play in his home town. 

We wrote our own fanzines Jane and Michelle's was "Wagging Tongues" mine was called "Kamikaze Chip Shop" Later, Michelle and the other Jane seemed to drift away from ROTT, I did not know why. I stuck with it so did Jane Kitson. She ended up driving the desks I'd do features and comedy sketches every week.We used to hang around together I quite fancied Jane, but I never summoned up the courage to ask her out. Jane had quite the gob on her and I was mega sarcastic. 
We ended up in one or two"heated debates" Being wrong wasn't in Jane vocabulary. Picking someone else's argument to bits isn't one of my nicest traits, but I am rather good at it..

We certainly loved our music though, Jane had quite the most eclectic tastes, Japan, the Smiths, Violent Femmes, Matt Bianco and the Cult were her favourites as well as Ella Fitzgerald and Elvis. One week Jane went to interview American disco drag artiste Divine at the Fiesta or whatever it was called then. Could have been Barry Noble's Roxy, the doorstaff could not find Jane's name on the guestlist. her review of the show on Friday night was essentially 2 minutes of verbal flamethrower treatment directed at the club bouncers

The review didn't exactly uphold the BBCs core values of impartiality, but it was funny as hell.

A guy called Mick Lunney showed up he could do brilliant impressions, this was the time of Spitting Image being number one show on telly, Mick was so good he should have done the voices on the box. It was the mid 80s the Miners Strike was on, everything seemed political, within ROTT things could also be rather political, people came and went, perhaps due to personalities or opinions.

One week it was announced that we would be in the Radio Times, a photographer turned up and the very next week I could show my 6th form tech chums, my secret radio gang, in the nation's favourite telly listings magazine

Mick Smith our number one punk fan came along and we became good mates, he recalled that the first week in the studios he went for a pee and was frightened to hear that out of the toilet cubilcle came the voice of Zippy from Rainbow arguing with Neil Kinnock. Mick Lunney liked to warm up his voice in the toilet, well that's his story.

Jane was quite the fan of "You've Got Foetus on your Breath" the moniker of Jim Thirlwell a recording artiste. One night after the show in the taxi home, Jane announce "Oh I've left me Foetus in the studio. I'll have to get it back tomorrow" Apparantly the taxi driver's face was a picture.

Jane stuck at it and I started to drift away from ROTT to go to teenage parties, which weren't very PC, and had girls who indulged in sexual politics of the horizontal variety . I went back a few times and then went to college in Manchester. If you like the music scene and clubbing Manchester looked like Las Vegas compared to Sheffield.

Sheffield gig flyer, Peter Jones of the FCS was a contributor to ROTT

I still listened to ROTT there was a brilliant Soap Opera called The Neighbours of East Emmerdale Side Street. 
I'd go back whenever I could and was always given a warm welcome by Jane Kitson who now seemed to be the mother hen of the operation. I'd still go in and write a few comedy sketches and have a load of fun at Radio Sheffield.

People drift apart, I went to London for a year and found a new gang of friends, but I'd always listen to Radio Sheffield and was pleased to hear Jane on the sports show. my dear old dad used to laugh at the way she read the football results, She wasn't James Alexander-Gordon when it came to intonation.
I should have kept in touch but I didn't. The last time I saw Jane was at the V festival in Warrington 1996. Pulp were headliners, we met in the VIP area where I'd got in as I was at a show on Radio Manchester which was similar to ROTT, Jane was doing the new music show on Radio Sheffield by this time. We had a right laugh reminiscing over old times. Jane was telling me that Mick Smith had a tattoo of a bottle of Henderson's relish on his leg and she was considering getting a tattoo. Don't know if she ever did.

Mick Smith and chums Sheffield 80s

I phoned Jane and Mick Lunney, when working at a marketing firm some time later- they were working full time in radio I wasn't. I was doing a proper job. I wished I'd stayed in radio, I was jealous

Can you remember a time before computers? How long has facebook been around? I can't remember and I dont care, facebook is a great way of keeping in touch with friends.
I got back in touch with Mick Smith and one day saw Jane Kitson's facebook page! 
Jane!

I dropped her a line, then another, then put something on her page. She didn't reply. Why not? What's up, had Jane taken a strop with me?

A few other mutual friends were on facebook, anyone heard from Jane? Then weirdly some "conspiracy theory" nonsense started to turn up on Jane's facebook. I rang Radio Sheffield. There was a job going in the news room, though I could chat with Jane see if she could put a word in for me and also what was this nonsense on her facebook page?

I rang up I was told that Jane did not work there anymore. What? I rang up Radio Sheffield again and again, that's not good enough, I wanted to find her. Something was up.
I got theough to the news room, "Jane Kitson?" said the person in the news room "oh no she's died"......what?  ....
voices shouted across the news room "Oh no sorry that's a mistake she didn't die"
said the 'finger on the pulse' voice of Radio Sheffield news. "She had an accident and does not work here any more"

I was shocked, I demanded to find out where Jane was. They wouldn't tell me. I did my " you're a public servant and I pay your wages, " speech. Which doubtless they've heard a million times before. Later in the day I was rung by a nice lady from the Radio station. who told me that Jane had a fall a few years ago, and had been taken ill and now had to live in a care home. She'd tried to go back to work but suffered memory loss. I asked to get in touch but was told that I could not be given her number or address. I wasn't given the full details of what had really happened

I tried to get in touch on facebook again, other people were trying to contact her also, eventually I let it go. Her facebook page had been hacked.

Last week I got the awful news that Jane had died, via facebook. 

Good to see some of the old ROTT gang, but given the tragic circumstances what can I say?
Richard Hawley and Nick Banks from Pulp turned up at the funeral. Jane gave them a big break and a big chance to so many others.

The funeral was the best and most emotional I've ever been to, half the congregation were in tears, everyone broke out into spontaeous applause. I spent all afternoon reminiscing and making jokes to stop myself from crying.
I spent the rest of the week shocked bewildered and contacting old friends and mutual acquaintances.

Jane you deserved better, but you made your mark -and that's the best anyone can do.

miss you 
love you.



https://www.facebook.com/groups/1380786415515493/

http://www.freewebs.com/radiorott

Get In The LUXURY Van Part 2

Part Two, Van Disaster, Pizza and Beatles

Just to recap, I answered a call and went out on a short DIY UK tour with the Japanese Punk Band “People”

New Year’s Eve was a mad one in Sheffield.

PEOPLE IN ACTION http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpMoWZYns3Q

Wednesday 1^st JAN

I am just coming to and there’s a wet feeling on my face… er yuck what’s that? A dog is licking my face and I wake up.

I’m on the kitchen floor in my sleeping bag, the band People are all sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and laughing at me. Oh I’m round at someone’s house, Donna, with the kitsch kitchen.

Donna feeding the 5000

One of People explains that it’s very funny that I snore like a pig and get woken up by a dog.

Thanks for the breakfast Donna, more vegetarian food, we are being so well looked after on this tour I’m piling the pounds on.

Last night's gig goers come downstairs and partake in breakfast

VAN DISASTER

I get a facebook message through it’s a very apologetic one from my other half Colette. 

She’s taken the kids up to the Lake District for a couple of days, the message reads “ The first thing is the van is OK I drove across a ford and got stuck, the kids are OK and I got out thanks to the AA”

This picture appears on facebook

That’s Colette trying to vainly push a 7 ton van

The story goes that the road went across a ford, there was a depth marker at the edge of the ford, saying 2 feet deep. Colette thought she’d drive across and make a big splash. It was obviously much deeper in the middle and she got stuck. A farmer had to tow her out with his tractor.

The AA man took the spark plugs out revved the engine and loads of water spurted out. If the water had come into the air intake that would have been the end of the van.

Next time you see an Landrover, notice where the air intakes are, high up on the sides, so they can get through this sort of thing.

Colette on facebook said It's funny now it's out and running but by God it wasn't when I was arse deep in cold water trying to push the fecker out. Of all the stupid things I have done , and there are many, this is probably the worst

Who’s the best van driver in our house then?

Jesus and Irena pop into the house. What’s Jesus doing here? Oh he was at the gig last night, I gave him a lift in the van and don’t remember. He kipped in the van.

We get our act together and go down to the gig space, we load all our stuff back in the van. New Years day it’s lashing down. A quick blast down the motorway to Nottingham.

All Aboard

Stop for petrol just off the M1 usual baffled look on the face of petrol station attendant as People photograph the inside of his shop.

Irena directs us to the Navigation Pub which sits on the canal side just below Nottingham Castle. The centre piece of Nottingham Castle is now a museum and gallery. It used to be a proper castle with turrets and all that, before it was replaced with a manor house.

The local peasants burnt down the central Manor House in the Chartist riots of 1831

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nottingham_Castle

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chartism 
Yes, English people used to have to riot for the right to vote.

The Navigation pub is home to Annie’s Burger shack. But it’s New Years Day and the chef isn’t working, no burgers today, we settle for beer and crisps. Other disappointed locals sit around drinking beer. They start to chat to the Japanese lads, dogs are allowed in the pub, always a good sign, Satoshi gets his photo taken with the dogs.

We have to go, New Year’s Day and the internet is full of people commenting on the Daily Mail’s expected tide of Romanians flooding the country to claim the giro. It’s a long way from Bucharest to the Job Centre. I’m in a van with 6 Japanese guys and a Serbian girl, we’ve been met with nothing but good humour everywhere we have been.

Gig venue is at “Stuck on a Name Rehearsal Studios” in Sneinton. Its upstairs in a warehouse unit. Locals Whitefinger are the support band, we don’t expect a big crowd as there’s no public transport in Nottingham today. If I could have found part of the horde of Romanian gypsies the Mail told me about, we could have sold a few more tickets, especially as they are all claiming a thousand pounds a week, apparently.

The lads from the venue turn up and supply us with a huge vegetarian soup, we tuck in, I’m fit to burst. They then supply us with a couple of cases of lager, it would be  rude not to avail myself of their fine hospitality, I let my belt out another notch.

They do inform us later, that someone did get murdered on the street outside not long since. Make a brief note to stay in the practice space and not sleep in the van.

There’s only about 30 in but it’s a party. Many of the locals on the punk scene seem to have gone for the big beards and woolly hat look, making them resemble either Albanian Woodcutters or the Seven Dwarves. White Finger are pretty good as musically they are tight with heavy riffs and the singer does sing not just go “uuuurgh” like many hardcore vocalists.

Rocking in Nottingham

Nottingham folks like People, starting off with a wall of noise, then breaking into their poppier stuff.

After the gig, locals DJ then head off into the night to leave us with a load of beer a full rehearsal studio and a PA system and Yohei plugs his I Player in for a night of punk classics.

Kichi falls asleep first on the settee, and in time honoured tradition we take photographs of him, covered in T shirts and beer bottles.



Kichi

DIY people trust each other, they have to, or there’s no tour, I know a lot of people who would have stolen everything from here. We sleep in rehearsal rooms, my companion for the night is a drum kit.

Thursday

We wake up stay in the rehearsal space it is sunny outside at mid day we set off to Andy’s house.

Walking up to Andy’s Yohei sees a black cab parked up and says “Taxi Taxi” I get a weird sense of Déjà vu, I recall having a dream years ago about exactly this moment and waking up thinking “Don’t be stupid you’ve never taken a Japanese band on tour”….or was that a dream?

Andy runs Viral Age a little record label and distro, he was there last night. Andy has promised us more breakfast. Baked beans, veggie sausages Brown and TOMATO SAUCE! People like this very much.

Which brings me to a question. 
What is Brown Sauce? Were did it come from? Can it be made from the finest BROWN? 
Ah here’s the answer, amazing the things you never even question http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_sauce

With Andy Viral Age

And so to Liverpool, 

People want to go souvenir shopping. I floor it. The gig tonight is in a McGuires Pizza bar, Renshaw Street just off the main bit of Liverpool. Easy to find with the sat nav. We get out of the van, there’s some BMX bike lads pulling all sorts of death defying stunts on a newly built Square just off Renshaw Steet. We’ll be using all our drums and amps tonight so a big load in and out later.

But now SHOPPING

We go down Bold Street, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bold_Street,_Liverpool

We spot POP, it’s a great shop full of Retro and modern stuff, and in we go, I purchase a Paisley scarf for £6. People buy stuff for girlfriends.

Suits you Sir

 

Sure that's going to fit?

It’s got dark we buy cheap booze and being as we are here it’s time for a quick dash down to Matthew Street to see the Beatles.

Traditional team photos taken. The actual entrance to the actual Cavern Club, which no longer exists, is now next to a Lingerie shop.

Although there is a club up the street called “The Cavern” a tribute Cavern, if you will, plus the “Cavern Bar” also the “Bootleg Cavern”,“I Can’t Believe it’s not the Cavern” and "Look we just called it the Cavern to get tourists in" are other genuine fake clubs on Matthew Street where you can really not re-live the heady days of Beatlemania.

There’s a pub on Matthew Street called “The Glass Onion”, but why has no entrepreneurial type from Merseyside opened up an Italian called “Give Pizza Chance?” I mean come on, it’s so obvious.

Next to one of the many Caverns

We have photos taken next to the statue of John Rennon, sorry Lennon, I wonder whether it’s worth buying a toy pistol and posing as Mark Chapman, maybe not.

Yes, I look stupid

Load the gear in, there’s a back room, I thought the front of McGuire’s Pizza Bar looked a bit small for a gig. 

It’s a nice place though, £2 a beer. Pizza is also pretty reasonably priced and cooked properly. I noticed, as we walked along, various Walkers pubs were advertising pints for roughly the £2 mark, plus a lot of them have kept their traditional tiled frontage which I rather like.

I’m shattered, flop out on the sofa, I don’t watch the first 2 bands, one of them drops in a bit of reggae then a cover of Motorhead which I though was a nice touch. I can hear them in the front room. Main support are Skitvarld, they have some impressive Dreadlocks. They play Discharge style thrash and seem to enjoy the crowd banter as much as the music, announce they are “Very very very drunk.” I can’t help thinking if The Vikings formed a pop group they’d look and sound like this.

Liverpool

Our lads go on, to clouds of Dry Ice, bomb through the set and by the third song the audience are all dancing, they put an element of rock n roll in the punk mix and it works.

Audience Call for More

Audience and members of support band demand they do more and drag them back for versions of “Bodies” and Disorder’s “Life”

Load out takes ages, seeing as bands are all drunk. Yohei falls asleep I pick him up and get him to the door. 

Andy from Skitvarld is our host, we go under the Queensway Mersey Tunnel, at a princely sum of £1.60 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mersey_Tunnels

It’s very bendy and I take it steady. Built in the 1920s, so Andy says.

We emerge into Birkenhead Andy tells us that the centre of Birkenhead and Rock Ferry are awful dives. We go to Bromborough.

Park up go to Andy’s, there’s a thatched cottage on the main street, blimey didn’t expect that. 

Friday

Last day of the mini tour

I crashed on the landing at Andy’s, he’s bike mad but isn’t working at the moment, I like him, we talk football he’s a Liverpool fan but can’t afford to go to the games these days. People sit on the living room floor and watch King Kong on the TV.

Once they’re all sorted we go to the pub 2 doors down, it’s Wetherspoon- esque with rather cheap lunches. Lots of older types in here having their food. We negotiate the menu by pointing. “Fish Chip very famous in Japan” says Shinso. They all photograph their food, and order pints. I wonder why this lot keep falling asleep in the van, they’re all drinking, I’m sober, of course, Doh.

Irena’s been in the van as usual, we all meet up and head out on the road. One of the band has been presented a Liverpool FC poster by Andy, M53 down the Wirral, M56, M6, M62 back to Leeds.

On the M62 I suddenly come down massively tired, I but the air blower on and keep focused.

We are going to Irena’s friend’s house in Leeds where we’ll be met with more vegetarian curry. Our hosts are a bunch of punks in a shared house. I sit down in the arm chair and fall asleep. More tired than I thought. 

I make out that our host is an English teacher. He’s got an English/Japanese phrase book on the shelf…..WHY DIDN’T I GET ONE OF THESE? DOH!

I read out various words in Japanese, for all the interesting things in life records, toilet, vomit etc

We get to the Fox and Newt, Leeds its blowing a gale outside, various people wish to know if they can sit in our luxury van and drink beers, nope, I’ve not come all this way to have it trashed by idiots on the last night.

I crash in the van for a while, The Fox And Newt has won awards for Most Improved pub, Best Pub etc I can see why. An excellent range of beers, which I’m not drinking, and a great upstairs gig venue. 
http://www.yelp.co.uk/biz/fox-and-newt-brewpub-leeds

Irena seems to know everyone who comes in.

Irena

The place is packed four bands on. The first one. No...Given play almost a speeded up technical jazz/thrash which is  amazing to watch but the singer  just gives it “uuuuurgh yap yap yap” seemed like a waste of energy to me. 

J.B.B.S from Middlesbrough are more my style of hooligan punk.

JBBS

People

People

come on and they get the same reaction as always slow build and the crowd eventually going nuts, they get dragged back for an encore. Kichi the bass player goes to the toilet I fetch him back to play again. Shinso, announces the names of the band and calls the guitarist “ Fried Rice” audience almost convulse in laughter.

Everyone signs their Union Jack, loads of end of tour photos, they hand out Japanese snacks which look like Bombay mix but taste of fish.

Tour poster

 People now call me “English Daddy” it’s an affectionate joke, I think, but I got them there

Set List

Get the band back to the house where they are crashing, but we stop at an all night Sainsbury's for more booze, there’s a lot of people in the van probably too many, Jesus is here again, he’s keen I’ll give him that. There’s loads of Police cars round here, there was a Cop shot in this part of Leeds not long ago and patrols are everywhere. I don’t want to get pulled up. Could be overloaded with number of folks in the van.

I ask People what their songs are actually about “About everything being SHIT” they reply succinctly

Tomorrow Irena’s put People on the Mega Bus back to Heathrow, good luck with that one lads.

We retrace the start of the tour take the backline back to the warehouse. Load out finally.

Back to the house for final photos, shake hands and that’s it.

I’ve been in a tour bubble, seems like it could have been for months.

Been warned I could come down with post tour depression, I take the van back to Batley.

Brad’s waiting and it’s 2 am, he checks it over it’s all OK. No scratches no dents.

I say goodbye, take my one holdall, sling it in my car and drive back to Manchester. Back across the M62. get home at 3am.

Easy peasy, this life on the road, no road burn or tour depression for me I’m well’ard...

I then spend the best part of the weekend in bed or falling asleep and waking up at odd hours wondering where I am; and where the van is parked at...

Irena’s now busy organising Equal Fest, a festival in which all the acts have at least one female member, sounds good, it's on in Bradford

We exchange facebook photos, 

Yohei says "thank you Roland you are very good drunk driver"

Come on 2014, I need a new car and a new job, what now…?