http://www.ftbpro.com/posts/roland.gent/1339074/mega-transfer-fees-worth-every-penny-or-not

Some of my scribblings on football.

You Should Always Keep In Touch With Your Friends

Jane Kitson died last week, I went to the funeral it was a heart rending, sad, wonderful tearful occasion.

Simply through sheer determination she forged herself a career in the media being the voice of Sheffield music. Aged 15 as a school age punk rocker I used to tune into a show on Radio Sheffield on Saturday afternoon called ROTT they played all the punk stuff in the indie charts. It was a youth access show. You could hear things that you didn't hear on Radio One, I did not recall John Peel playing stuff by the likes of Conflict or the Mob or Chesterfield's Septic Psychos. I used to record these shows on my then state of the art cassette player and listen to them over and over.

The show moved to Friday nights, I won the debut Toy Dolls album in a competition, the show never sent me my prize. So I rang up again, and again, til they asked me to pop up to Sheffield, from Chesterfield and get it. I went into the Norfolk St studios on a Thursday to be met by the then presenter, Chris Andrews, who met me with the words "Ah Toy Dolls album!" he then prduced a five pound note out of his pocket and said " here you go pop to the shops and buy it" 
"Oh so it's like that is it?" I thought, " I buy my own prize, well this is different..."
I dutifully went to the HMV shop and returned with my own prize. I could have taken the fiver and never returned, but I wanted more, I came back to the studios and was interviewed by Sara Smith who appeared on the show, and I ended up on the Friday show. This was great.

I started going to Radio Sheffield every Friday night making radio interviewing bands, reviewing records, editing tapes it was great, this was what I wanted. About a year later three girls Jane Kitson, Michelle Malone and Jane (Stanton, I think) showed up.

We hung around went to gigs became great friends and generally had a great time on the Sheffield music scene, which was pretty much the Leadmill the University and the Hallamshire pub. this was the 80s I recall that Phil Oakey from the Human League had appeared on local TV a few years earlier bemoaning the fact there was nowhere to play in his home town. 

We wrote our own fanzines Jane and Michelle's was "Wagging Tongues" mine was called "Kamikaze Chip Shop" Later, Michelle and the other Jane seemed to drift away from ROTT, I did not know why. I stuck with it so did Jane Kitson. She ended up driving the desks I'd do features and comedy sketches every week.We used to hang around together I quite fancied Jane, but I never summoned up the courage to ask her out. Jane had quite the gob on her and I was mega sarcastic. 
We ended up in one or two"heated debates" Being wrong wasn't in Jane vocabulary. Picking someone else's argument to bits isn't one of my nicest traits, but I am rather good at it..

We certainly loved our music though, Jane had quite the most eclectic tastes, Japan, the Smiths, Violent Femmes, Matt Bianco and the Cult were her favourites as well as Ella Fitzgerald and Elvis. One week Jane went to interview American disco drag artiste Divine at the Fiesta or whatever it was called then. Could have been Barry Noble's Roxy, the doorstaff could not find Jane's name on the guestlist. her review of the show on Friday night was essentially 2 minutes of verbal flamethrower treatment directed at the club bouncers

The review didn't exactly uphold the BBCs core values of impartiality, but it was funny as hell.

A guy called Mick Lunney showed up he could do brilliant impressions, this was the time of Spitting Image being number one show on telly, Mick was so good he should have done the voices on the box. It was the mid 80s the Miners Strike was on, everything seemed political, within ROTT things could also be rather political, people came and went, perhaps due to personalities or opinions.

One week it was announced that we would be in the Radio Times, a photographer turned up and the very next week I could show my 6th form tech chums, my secret radio gang, in the nation's favourite telly listings magazine

Mick Smith our number one punk fan came along and we became good mates, he recalled that the first week in the studios he went for a pee and was frightened to hear that out of the toilet cubilcle came the voice of Zippy from Rainbow arguing with Neil Kinnock. Mick Lunney liked to warm up his voice in the toilet, well that's his story.

Jane was quite the fan of "You've Got Foetus on your Breath" the moniker of Jim Thirlwell a recording artiste. One night after the show in the taxi home, Jane announce "Oh I've left me Foetus in the studio. I'll have to get it back tomorrow" Apparantly the taxi driver's face was a picture.

Jane stuck at it and I started to drift away from ROTT to go to teenage parties, which weren't very PC, and had girls who indulged in sexual politics of the horizontal variety . I went back a few times and then went to college in Manchester. If you like the music scene and clubbing Manchester looked like Las Vegas compared to Sheffield.

Sheffield gig flyer, Peter Jones of the FCS was a contributor to ROTT

I still listened to ROTT there was a brilliant Soap Opera called The Neighbours of East Emmerdale Side Street. 
I'd go back whenever I could and was always given a warm welcome by Jane Kitson who now seemed to be the mother hen of the operation. I'd still go in and write a few comedy sketches and have a load of fun at Radio Sheffield.

People drift apart, I went to London for a year and found a new gang of friends, but I'd always listen to Radio Sheffield and was pleased to hear Jane on the sports show. my dear old dad used to laugh at the way she read the football results, She wasn't James Alexander-Gordon when it came to intonation.
I should have kept in touch but I didn't. The last time I saw Jane was at the V festival in Warrington 1996. Pulp were headliners, we met in the VIP area where I'd got in as I was at a show on Radio Manchester which was similar to ROTT, Jane was doing the new music show on Radio Sheffield by this time. We had a right laugh reminiscing over old times. Jane was telling me that Mick Smith had a tattoo of a bottle of Henderson's relish on his leg and she was considering getting a tattoo. Don't know if she ever did.

Mick Smith and chums Sheffield 80s

I phoned Jane and Mick Lunney, when working at a marketing firm some time later- they were working full time in radio I wasn't. I was doing a proper job. I wished I'd stayed in radio, I was jealous

Can you remember a time before computers? How long has facebook been around? I can't remember and I dont care, facebook is a great way of keeping in touch with friends.
I got back in touch with Mick Smith and one day saw Jane Kitson's facebook page! 
Jane!

I dropped her a line, then another, then put something on her page. She didn't reply. Why not? What's up, had Jane taken a strop with me?

A few other mutual friends were on facebook, anyone heard from Jane? Then weirdly some "conspiracy theory" nonsense started to turn up on Jane's facebook. I rang Radio Sheffield. There was a job going in the news room, though I could chat with Jane see if she could put a word in for me and also what was this nonsense on her facebook page?

I rang up I was told that Jane did not work there anymore. What? I rang up Radio Sheffield again and again, that's not good enough, I wanted to find her. Something was up.
I got theough to the news room, "Jane Kitson?" said the person in the news room "oh no she's died"......what?  ....
voices shouted across the news room "Oh no sorry that's a mistake she didn't die"
said the 'finger on the pulse' voice of Radio Sheffield news. "She had an accident and does not work here any more"

I was shocked, I demanded to find out where Jane was. They wouldn't tell me. I did my " you're a public servant and I pay your wages, " speech. Which doubtless they've heard a million times before. Later in the day I was rung by a nice lady from the Radio station. who told me that Jane had a fall a few years ago, and had been taken ill and now had to live in a care home. She'd tried to go back to work but suffered memory loss. I asked to get in touch but was told that I could not be given her number or address. I wasn't given the full details of what had really happened

I tried to get in touch on facebook again, other people were trying to contact her also, eventually I let it go. Her facebook page had been hacked.

Last week I got the awful news that Jane had died, via facebook. 

Good to see some of the old ROTT gang, but given the tragic circumstances what can I say?
Richard Hawley and Nick Banks from Pulp turned up at the funeral. Jane gave them a big break and a big chance to so many others.

The funeral was the best and most emotional I've ever been to, half the congregation were in tears, everyone broke out into spontaeous applause. I spent all afternoon reminiscing and making jokes to stop myself from crying.
I spent the rest of the week shocked bewildered and contacting old friends and mutual acquaintances.

Jane you deserved better, but you made your mark -and that's the best anyone can do.

miss you 
love you.



https://www.facebook.com/groups/1380786415515493/

http://www.freewebs.com/radiorott

Get In The LUXURY Van Part 2

Part Two, Van Disaster, Pizza and Beatles

Just to recap, I answered a call and went out on a short DIY UK tour with the Japanese Punk Band “People”

New Year’s Eve was a mad one in Sheffield.

PEOPLE IN ACTION http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpMoWZYns3Q

Wednesday 1^st JAN

I am just coming to and there’s a wet feeling on my face… er yuck what’s that? A dog is licking my face and I wake up.

I’m on the kitchen floor in my sleeping bag, the band People are all sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and laughing at me. Oh I’m round at someone’s house, Donna, with the kitsch kitchen.

Donna feeding the 5000

One of People explains that it’s very funny that I snore like a pig and get woken up by a dog.

Thanks for the breakfast Donna, more vegetarian food, we are being so well looked after on this tour I’m piling the pounds on.

Last night's gig goers come downstairs and partake in breakfast

VAN DISASTER

I get a facebook message through it’s a very apologetic one from my other half Colette. 

She’s taken the kids up to the Lake District for a couple of days, the message reads “ The first thing is the van is OK I drove across a ford and got stuck, the kids are OK and I got out thanks to the AA”

This picture appears on facebook

That’s Colette trying to vainly push a 7 ton van

The story goes that the road went across a ford, there was a depth marker at the edge of the ford, saying 2 feet deep. Colette thought she’d drive across and make a big splash. It was obviously much deeper in the middle and she got stuck. A farmer had to tow her out with his tractor.

The AA man took the spark plugs out revved the engine and loads of water spurted out. If the water had come into the air intake that would have been the end of the van.

Next time you see an Landrover, notice where the air intakes are, high up on the sides, so they can get through this sort of thing.

Colette on facebook said It's funny now it's out and running but by God it wasn't when I was arse deep in cold water trying to push the fecker out. Of all the stupid things I have done , and there are many, this is probably the worst

Who’s the best van driver in our house then?

Jesus and Irena pop into the house. What’s Jesus doing here? Oh he was at the gig last night, I gave him a lift in the van and don’t remember. He kipped in the van.

We get our act together and go down to the gig space, we load all our stuff back in the van. New Years day it’s lashing down. A quick blast down the motorway to Nottingham.

All Aboard

Stop for petrol just off the M1 usual baffled look on the face of petrol station attendant as People photograph the inside of his shop.

Irena directs us to the Navigation Pub which sits on the canal side just below Nottingham Castle. The centre piece of Nottingham Castle is now a museum and gallery. It used to be a proper castle with turrets and all that, before it was replaced with a manor house.

The local peasants burnt down the central Manor House in the Chartist riots of 1831

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nottingham_Castle

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chartism 
Yes, English people used to have to riot for the right to vote.

The Navigation pub is home to Annie’s Burger shack. But it’s New Years Day and the chef isn’t working, no burgers today, we settle for beer and crisps. Other disappointed locals sit around drinking beer. They start to chat to the Japanese lads, dogs are allowed in the pub, always a good sign, Satoshi gets his photo taken with the dogs.

We have to go, New Year’s Day and the internet is full of people commenting on the Daily Mail’s expected tide of Romanians flooding the country to claim the giro. It’s a long way from Bucharest to the Job Centre. I’m in a van with 6 Japanese guys and a Serbian girl, we’ve been met with nothing but good humour everywhere we have been.

Gig venue is at “Stuck on a Name Rehearsal Studios” in Sneinton. Its upstairs in a warehouse unit. Locals Whitefinger are the support band, we don’t expect a big crowd as there’s no public transport in Nottingham today. If I could have found part of the horde of Romanian gypsies the Mail told me about, we could have sold a few more tickets, especially as they are all claiming a thousand pounds a week, apparently.

The lads from the venue turn up and supply us with a huge vegetarian soup, we tuck in, I’m fit to burst. They then supply us with a couple of cases of lager, it would be  rude not to avail myself of their fine hospitality, I let my belt out another notch.

They do inform us later, that someone did get murdered on the street outside not long since. Make a brief note to stay in the practice space and not sleep in the van.

There’s only about 30 in but it’s a party. Many of the locals on the punk scene seem to have gone for the big beards and woolly hat look, making them resemble either Albanian Woodcutters or the Seven Dwarves. White Finger are pretty good as musically they are tight with heavy riffs and the singer does sing not just go “uuuurgh” like many hardcore vocalists.

Rocking in Nottingham

Nottingham folks like People, starting off with a wall of noise, then breaking into their poppier stuff.

After the gig, locals DJ then head off into the night to leave us with a load of beer a full rehearsal studio and a PA system and Yohei plugs his I Player in for a night of punk classics.

Kichi falls asleep first on the settee, and in time honoured tradition we take photographs of him, covered in T shirts and beer bottles.



Kichi

DIY people trust each other, they have to, or there’s no tour, I know a lot of people who would have stolen everything from here. We sleep in rehearsal rooms, my companion for the night is a drum kit.

Thursday

We wake up stay in the rehearsal space it is sunny outside at mid day we set off to Andy’s house.

Walking up to Andy’s Yohei sees a black cab parked up and says “Taxi Taxi” I get a weird sense of Déjà vu, I recall having a dream years ago about exactly this moment and waking up thinking “Don’t be stupid you’ve never taken a Japanese band on tour”….or was that a dream?

Andy runs Viral Age a little record label and distro, he was there last night. Andy has promised us more breakfast. Baked beans, veggie sausages Brown and TOMATO SAUCE! People like this very much.

Which brings me to a question. 
What is Brown Sauce? Were did it come from? Can it be made from the finest BROWN? 
Ah here’s the answer, amazing the things you never even question http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_sauce

With Andy Viral Age

And so to Liverpool, 

People want to go souvenir shopping. I floor it. The gig tonight is in a McGuires Pizza bar, Renshaw Street just off the main bit of Liverpool. Easy to find with the sat nav. We get out of the van, there’s some BMX bike lads pulling all sorts of death defying stunts on a newly built Square just off Renshaw Steet. We’ll be using all our drums and amps tonight so a big load in and out later.

But now SHOPPING

We go down Bold Street, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bold_Street,_Liverpool

We spot POP, it’s a great shop full of Retro and modern stuff, and in we go, I purchase a Paisley scarf for £6. People buy stuff for girlfriends.

Suits you Sir

 

Sure that's going to fit?

It’s got dark we buy cheap booze and being as we are here it’s time for a quick dash down to Matthew Street to see the Beatles.

Traditional team photos taken. The actual entrance to the actual Cavern Club, which no longer exists, is now next to a Lingerie shop.

Although there is a club up the street called “The Cavern” a tribute Cavern, if you will, plus the “Cavern Bar” also the “Bootleg Cavern”,“I Can’t Believe it’s not the Cavern” and "Look we just called it the Cavern to get tourists in" are other genuine fake clubs on Matthew Street where you can really not re-live the heady days of Beatlemania.

There’s a pub on Matthew Street called “The Glass Onion”, but why has no entrepreneurial type from Merseyside opened up an Italian called “Give Pizza Chance?” I mean come on, it’s so obvious.

Next to one of the many Caverns

We have photos taken next to the statue of John Rennon, sorry Lennon, I wonder whether it’s worth buying a toy pistol and posing as Mark Chapman, maybe not.

Yes, I look stupid

Load the gear in, there’s a back room, I thought the front of McGuire’s Pizza Bar looked a bit small for a gig. 

It’s a nice place though, £2 a beer. Pizza is also pretty reasonably priced and cooked properly. I noticed, as we walked along, various Walkers pubs were advertising pints for roughly the £2 mark, plus a lot of them have kept their traditional tiled frontage which I rather like.

I’m shattered, flop out on the sofa, I don’t watch the first 2 bands, one of them drops in a bit of reggae then a cover of Motorhead which I though was a nice touch. I can hear them in the front room. Main support are Skitvarld, they have some impressive Dreadlocks. They play Discharge style thrash and seem to enjoy the crowd banter as much as the music, announce they are “Very very very drunk.” I can’t help thinking if The Vikings formed a pop group they’d look and sound like this.

Liverpool

Our lads go on, to clouds of Dry Ice, bomb through the set and by the third song the audience are all dancing, they put an element of rock n roll in the punk mix and it works.

Audience Call for More

Audience and members of support band demand they do more and drag them back for versions of “Bodies” and Disorder’s “Life”

Load out takes ages, seeing as bands are all drunk. Yohei falls asleep I pick him up and get him to the door. 

Andy from Skitvarld is our host, we go under the Queensway Mersey Tunnel, at a princely sum of £1.60 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mersey_Tunnels

It’s very bendy and I take it steady. Built in the 1920s, so Andy says.

We emerge into Birkenhead Andy tells us that the centre of Birkenhead and Rock Ferry are awful dives. We go to Bromborough.

Park up go to Andy’s, there’s a thatched cottage on the main street, blimey didn’t expect that. 

Friday

Last day of the mini tour

I crashed on the landing at Andy’s, he’s bike mad but isn’t working at the moment, I like him, we talk football he’s a Liverpool fan but can’t afford to go to the games these days. People sit on the living room floor and watch King Kong on the TV.

Once they’re all sorted we go to the pub 2 doors down, it’s Wetherspoon- esque with rather cheap lunches. Lots of older types in here having their food. We negotiate the menu by pointing. “Fish Chip very famous in Japan” says Shinso. They all photograph their food, and order pints. I wonder why this lot keep falling asleep in the van, they’re all drinking, I’m sober, of course, Doh.

Irena’s been in the van as usual, we all meet up and head out on the road. One of the band has been presented a Liverpool FC poster by Andy, M53 down the Wirral, M56, M6, M62 back to Leeds.

On the M62 I suddenly come down massively tired, I but the air blower on and keep focused.

We are going to Irena’s friend’s house in Leeds where we’ll be met with more vegetarian curry. Our hosts are a bunch of punks in a shared house. I sit down in the arm chair and fall asleep. More tired than I thought. 

I make out that our host is an English teacher. He’s got an English/Japanese phrase book on the shelf…..WHY DIDN’T I GET ONE OF THESE? DOH!

I read out various words in Japanese, for all the interesting things in life records, toilet, vomit etc

We get to the Fox and Newt, Leeds its blowing a gale outside, various people wish to know if they can sit in our luxury van and drink beers, nope, I’ve not come all this way to have it trashed by idiots on the last night.

I crash in the van for a while, The Fox And Newt has won awards for Most Improved pub, Best Pub etc I can see why. An excellent range of beers, which I’m not drinking, and a great upstairs gig venue. 
http://www.yelp.co.uk/biz/fox-and-newt-brewpub-leeds

Irena seems to know everyone who comes in.

Irena

The place is packed four bands on. The first one. No...Given play almost a speeded up technical jazz/thrash which is  amazing to watch but the singer  just gives it “uuuuurgh yap yap yap” seemed like a waste of energy to me. 

J.B.B.S from Middlesbrough are more my style of hooligan punk.

JBBS

People

People

come on and they get the same reaction as always slow build and the crowd eventually going nuts, they get dragged back for an encore. Kichi the bass player goes to the toilet I fetch him back to play again. Shinso, announces the names of the band and calls the guitarist “ Fried Rice” audience almost convulse in laughter.

Everyone signs their Union Jack, loads of end of tour photos, they hand out Japanese snacks which look like Bombay mix but taste of fish.

Tour poster

 People now call me “English Daddy” it’s an affectionate joke, I think, but I got them there

Set List

Get the band back to the house where they are crashing, but we stop at an all night Sainsbury's for more booze, there’s a lot of people in the van probably too many, Jesus is here again, he’s keen I’ll give him that. There’s loads of Police cars round here, there was a Cop shot in this part of Leeds not long ago and patrols are everywhere. I don’t want to get pulled up. Could be overloaded with number of folks in the van.

I ask People what their songs are actually about “About everything being SHIT” they reply succinctly

Tomorrow Irena’s put People on the Mega Bus back to Heathrow, good luck with that one lads.

We retrace the start of the tour take the backline back to the warehouse. Load out finally.

Back to the house for final photos, shake hands and that’s it.

I’ve been in a tour bubble, seems like it could have been for months.

Been warned I could come down with post tour depression, I take the van back to Batley.

Brad’s waiting and it’s 2 am, he checks it over it’s all OK. No scratches no dents.

I say goodbye, take my one holdall, sling it in my car and drive back to Manchester. Back across the M62. get home at 3am.

Easy peasy, this life on the road, no road burn or tour depression for me I’m well’ard...

I then spend the best part of the weekend in bed or falling asleep and waking up at odd hours wondering where I am; and where the van is parked at...

Irena’s now busy organising Equal Fest, a festival in which all the acts have at least one female member, sounds good, it's on in Bradford

We exchange facebook photos, 

Yohei says "thank you Roland you are very good drunk driver"

Come on 2014, I need a new car and a new job, what now…?

Get in the LUXURY Van

Get in the LUXURY Van

Part One

Saturday night 28^th December 

10 pm looking at the Internet, the country seems to be closed down for the long Christmas holiday.

Active Rebellion punk promotions are putting out a desperate Facebook message for someone to drive a Japanese band called "People" round the UK. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fU6CfCb5I0 
People. 
listen here.

I ask my other half if I can do it? “Go For it“ she says, so I reply.

The tour starts tomorrow,

Irena replies, she’s been let down by someone, do I have full drivers licence? proof of identity, no drink driving convictions and the correct inside leg measurement so that the van hire company will let me do the tour?

Yep. The band is called People they are from Japan I look on the Internet, there’s footage of them doing one song, and they seem OK.

Let's go, Never done a music tour before, just like Henry Rollins. I'm going to Get in The Van

Sunday 29^th Dec 2013

I am to meet Irena at Dewsbury station she’s from Belgrade, Serbia and lives in Leeds.

We will pick up the van mid-day, 

I drive over from Manchester in my car, which has a slight oil leak and something a bit wonky with the steering. The local garage says it’s not worth fixing and I may as well get a new one. Sorry faithful old BMW, but you’re going to the scrap yard soon and you don’t know it yet.

We get to the van hire place in Batley, BAND TOURS

http://www.bandtours.co.uk/van-hire/ where Brad checks my documents 

OK there’s points on my licence but they are just over three years old and are therefore wiped off. Not only is he ok with that, but then says “Oh you can have the luxury van as its’ only for a week, someone let me down on hiring this one.”

It’s a 9 seater 3 seats in front six seats around a table in the back for band. DVD player, and a separate compartment in the back for all the musical equipment. 

Irena can’t believe her luck. 

I can’t believe the size of the thing. 

It’s a long wheel base van I’ve got a transit at home, but this thing is bigger than anything I’ve ever driven. 

One step further and it would be a coach.

What a van

We expected a transit with people piled on top of the amps up and down the country, but this is the life. 

Band Tours have rock memorabilia from loads of bands that have used their kit all over the walls of the office. New Order, Bullet For My Valentine, Deaf Havana and Gallows are amongst the big names; I note they have also worked with the Lost Prophets; hope Ian Watkins didn’t use our luxury van. I don’t mention this to Brad

The best thing about the van, from my point of view, is it has parking sensors, which means if you get too close to anything the sensors beep. Also if you fancy a kip you can put the alarm on and still lock yourself inside, without the alarm going off. The main thing is to take a wide turning when negotiating corners. We check out the van for scratches and dents. If I dent it, Irena loses her van deposit, so no pressure then.

This company is great, what’s it doing in Batley near Dewsbury West Yorks? It’s not rock n roll central is it? But hang on why shouldn’t it be in Batley? I leave the BMW, Get in the van, turn the keys and off we go. “Don’t scrape the van before you get out of the car park, don’t stall it on the main road, let everyone think you know what you are doing, don’t mess it up, focus, focus concentrate” is the only thing going through my mind.

We have to go to Irena’s place in Hyde Park, Leeds to pick up her distro. Records, T shirts CDs and general punk stuff that she sells mail order and at gigs. I have driven to this area of Leeds many times but I have never been into Leeds and out of the place on the same road twice.

Irena does not drive and only rides a bike so she doesn’t know the way round the City Centre, Inner City Loop, Inner City Ring Road, Outer City Ring Road and New Stretch of Motorway that subsequent town planners have built to help drivers around the previously congested relief road around Leeds..

We get lost.

Lost

Mainly by the fact that we have to go up the hill to roughly the university area we get un-lost again.

Irena recognises where we are and gets us to her house. Henry Rollins lived for a short while a few streets away whilst writing his first solo album. Terraced houses in students ville with a Mosque on the corner, it’s quiet as all students are away.

Then we have to go to the warehouse where all the back line (never really knew what back line meant- it’s drums and amps) is stored.

Then we stop off for petrol and go to the Fox and Newt pub to pay the deposit for the venue on what will be the last date of the tour, in 6 days time.

We meet up with Charlie who I have seen doing the sound at loads of gigs he emerges with all the kit. We load up and off we go. 

The next bit of the plan is to stop off near Leicester to pick up People’s records. Someone has made a pressing of their album and we have to pick up a box of records at the Aldi near Leicester…it’s all been pre programmed into the sat nav, without this, we’d be lost. Hail mighty Tom Tom for without thee we would have been mightily screwed.

On the way out of Leeds on the inner/outer confus-athon ring road, a car comes straight toward us going the wrong way up a one way dual carriageway. I avoid it, the black family inside the car are berating dad who is driving, he wears a look of increasing panic on his face. Over the next few days I hear no reports of an entire family wiped out in inner Leeds. I know there’s some bad drivers on the road, but I’ll excuse anyone who messes up in Leeds, David Livingstone would get lost here.

We are late, it’s 3pm we have a stop to make, and I ask Irena what time the Japanese band’s plane gets in “6.30 at Heathrow”…200 miles in 3 hours?…..Now why do road crews have a reputation for taking speed?

It’s Christmas and luckily there’s little traffic once we get onto the M1.

I floor it.

Get to Heathrow at 7pm, but we have to go to Teminal 5 due to the size of the van, I park up taking roughly 4 adjacent car parking spaces

Irena goes to terminal 4 to find the band, she insists I stay with the van. I wanted to meet the band at the airport with a cardboard sign saying “Spinal Tap”

A popular airport terminal

I wait and wait and wait and have a coffee and another, I text Irena. Suddenly nearly 2 hours later she knocks on the cab window there she is with 6 Japanese guys. They are tiny. Most of them are roughly 5 foot five. “Do you speak English?” I ask

 They look at each other. “No”

People

The leader then bows to me and says his name, I shake hands, they all say their names which I instantly forget. “Roland” I say indicating myself.

“Aah, Lo-rand” they say.

Well nearly.

Benny Hill’s Chinese character springs to mind, I chuckle to myself.

It’s not a very PC thought, in fact a bit lacist

They get in the van, I am exhausted, been driving since 10 am.

We are doing to Deptford. Millwall territory, great, in the dark, we leave Heathrow at 9pm. The band are onstage at 10 at the Birds Nest pub.

Well they will be, if this van turns into a helicopter.

Follow sat nav, M4 into London turn right through Earls Court, go along the river, cross over Vauxhall Bridge at roughly 10pm…Irena’s on the phone to the venue they stop the bands playing at 10.30 due to local licensing laws on a Sunday. A few more calls and the landlord will allow them to play a bit longer as they are arriving late. Best of luck with this one People, whatever your names are, I've forgotten them… Yoko? Sanyo? Toshiba?

They don’t seem phased I’d better stop worrying nothing to do but follow the Sat Nav dahn the Owd Kent Rd. 

Suddenly Irena spots where we are, she’s run loads of gigs and tours and this is on the DIY scene. “Left here” we go left off the main drag there’s an ominous looking estate looming on the left, and suddenly the pub’s on the right.

Sarf Lahndan

A punk crowd is out side, they cheer as they see us, I spin it round the round about and park right out side the pub, open the back door, People grab guitars run in tune up, onstage and belt through a 20 minute set.

Pub is The Bird’s Nest, it’s been a music venue for a long time, Squeeze, Dire Straits and Chas n Dave have all played here. About 300 odd years before that, Shakespeare’s chum Christopher Marlow used to enjoy a pint here, before he was stabbed to death in Deptford. I still have it in my mind that they might do that to outsiders round here. Marlow may have written a few decent plays, but he never came up with anything as good as “Gertcha” who’s the winner there then? it’s Chas n Dave in my book. Then again my book is the Chas n Dave annual 1978

Quick, get out of the van

Irena sets up merchandise and sells records Cds and T-shirts. I sit at the back and shut my eyes and drink a diet coke, exhausted. People sound pretty good. An amalgam of various punk styles, Dickies, Stupids, Sex Pistols, Chaos UK, Crass and maybe Hawkwind with some jangly indie pop thrown in. Mainly sung in Japanese, the locals like them. Hey not too shabby these lads.

The crowd are all punk of the thrasher crusty variety, on this DIY scene it seems the black hoody is de riguer along with a woolly hat and a jacket covered in patches advertising sub –Discharge hardcore noise.

People at The Bird's Nest

An awful thought hits me, “What if I thought they were crap?” Would I really be able to spend a week with them? A facebook conversation is going on at my expense in which people think I’ve obviously been lured out and kidnapped by Japanese cannibals, and in some bizarre Hammer Horror plot been lured out to London’s dodgiest district, where I’m going to end up as a human sacrifice.

Communication is in sign language and bits of English, Yoshi, who isn’t in the band has come along with his mates to take photos; and speaks the best English. 
We soon work out sign language for all the essential words, Guitar, Van, Sleep, Food, Supply Side Economic Theory etc…The band have called it the “Anarchy Tour” The “Oh God I'm exhausted” tour seems more appropriate.

Irena is known to the local punksters, they are mainly falling down drunk, I’m praying for sleep. Everyone is going to Wayne’s for something to eat. Hi Wayne, Don’t know who you are but thanks for the invite. 

Round at Wayne's

The band are kipping above the pub which doubles as a hostel. I park the van up in a new build estate next to one of the punters flats. We put the back of the van up close to a hedge making it harder for anyone hoping to steal out of the back, which is also locked. Good job for the parking sensors or I’d have taken out half the street. Irena insists on kipping in the van as she has her kit in there. The theory being that robbers are less likely to steal from a van when there’s someone in it, my idea is that you are more likely to get murdered if you are in there whilst someone breaks in.

I crash at Wayne’s it’s on the main street. Downstairs from the flat is an African café, where after hours the local Africans are having a jam session and playing music with the bass at a frequency set to “bowel loosening”, how dare these weirdoes play music after hours? We’d never dream of it!

To be fair the whole flats complex is vibrating with the noise and riddim and it is 2 am, Wayne phones the council noise people who come round and register the complaint.

The band downstairs stops.

I am half awake wondering if an African bass player is going to smash the door in, sod it I’m too tired, if I die here, at least I’m comfy.

Monday

Wake up 11am Wayne’s going to work in a restaurant. Gotta go, now to find the van, where was it? Round the flats. Find it, Irena’s there, she pops into Mia’s flat for a wash and brush up. Mia’s Japanese girl who was at the show last night, we pop to find the band back at the Bird’s Nest. Mia’s doing a lot of the talking.

We go to Deptford high street the winter sun is out and the High Street looks a great place, all pedestrianised, take back everything I said about Deptford. 
Lots of unusual individual shops, a really nice fishmongers and clothes shops. 
We get to the Waiting Room Coffee Shop just next to the station.
www.deptforddame.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/waiting-room-coffee-shop.html

Kids On Coffee

This is a fine establishment serving drinks at a bargainous price, better than you’d find in Costabucks. Descendents coffee mugs and Black Flag logos abound.

Band, Irena (right) me at the back

6 Japanese guys in Parkas, berets and sunglasses, who go round in a scrum, cause a stir as they photograph everything , they seem particularly keen on photos of food and drinks.

Well if we have a tour together we’d better break down some barriers and find our who’s who. They write their names down

So “People” are…

Satoshi Yakushiji (nickname Boogie) Guitar and Chaos Beret

Hirotaka Kuroki Drums, Blue Parka

Yohei Asaki (nickname Fried Rice) Guitar and Beret

Yohei Kamino Photos and Fisherman’s Cap

Kichi Hirkawa Bass and Tennis Shade

Shinso Saski Vocals and Scarf

They’re on their second album, they made their first one and then a group member left acrimoniously. They come from Oita which is on the western most island of Japan.

When not making a racket, People work as copper smelters, for Mazda, in a noodle sauce factory, as builders and farmers.

Coffee negotiated, we thank our hosts and find the van is still there, locals wondering what the hell has landed in the middle of their estate.

Get back in the van

Tonight it’s north London in Dalston. As it won’t take long to get there we follow the satnav to Camden town for sight seeing. Drive back through central London and straight up Camden high street in the middle of tourist throng.

Photos taken out side a massage parlour, People don’t know what this place is, or why we think it’s funny, I make the international sign for wanking and they fall about laughing.

We take People to All Ages Records on Pratt St, http://www.allagesrecords.com/
I could have bought the shop, come out with a Social Distortion CD. 
Irena sells some of People’s LP to the shop for re sale. Guys from the shop are coming tonight to the show.

Traipse through all the market stalls in Camden, Shinso buys a fluffy mohair jumper, from a stall selling knitwear, Irena says that of all the shops we thought they’d go in, this one is the least likely.

Camden

Quick pint, then off to the gig. Its on Dalston High Street, at a place called Powerlunches. Need to try to find somewhere to park a long wheel base van outside, finally get somewhere down the street a bit, after the sat nav has taken us in ever decreasing circles, instructing me to go down various dead ends and non –existent streets.

Powerlunches is a Café bar upstairs with a gig space downstairs, we get fed, thanks. It seems to be owned by Swedish and German people. 

Last night a chap called Jesus came along, tonight he’s here again, not the actual Jesus - I checked for stigmata. The bouncer won’t let him back in as he’s been found with some whiskey in his pocket trying to smuggle it into the club. Jesus calls the bouncer a c*nt, I thought Jesus was supposed to forgive people.? Why didn’t he just turn some water into wine?

Tonight’s support is Disorder. People love Disorder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcB9T_6Lfps 
Disorder were an early 80s UK band from Bristol who had a reputation for chaotic drunken cider antics. In their heyday they were considered the most noisy thrashy band going, compared to a lot of stuff since, they sound fairly pop. 
The only original member left is Taf. They are a 3 piece now having existed with varying line ups, the punks love them. 
Disorder once made a record called “Distortion til Deafness”, I put earplugs in.

People play and the crowd go nuts for them,

People at Dalston

dragging them back for encores. Same set as last night

People Live http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSEGyPOg-Mw

Where to sleep though? Irena’s been putting out facebook messages. 
After People play she says she’s found somewhere, it’s a squat. OK it’s going to be a rat infested hovel populated by junkies and it'll be warmer in the van then?

A Polish guy called Harry puts his bike in the van with drunken band who don’t complain…they’re so polite.

Harry guides us to the squat, what Dickensian nightmare hell hole will we end up in?

It’s massive, it’s on Green Lanes just next to Finsbury Park. 
The Squat is the former offices and HQ of Unite the Union. The building’s surrounded by builders wire fences and looks like it’s either being done up or demolished. Squatters have a padlock on the gates, we reverse the van in and an enormous Polish guy called Kubla wearing a colourful 80s style tracksuit guides us in.

What a lovely squat

It’s a massive office block, it seems the union workers have walked out and left it like the Marie Celeste. 
Office furniture is still in all the rooms, stacks of filing cabinets are still there, the toilets work and the electricity is on.
Thanks Unite you are helping the poor.

Harry insists on giving us more food, we get drunk and our hosts select offices for us to kip in. It’s better than your average Travelodge.

Apparently it can’t be knocked down due to the 2 reservoirs at the back which I note have sailing boats and a boating club.

Yohei, Hirotaka and Yohei

The view out of the back of the squat

Tuesday

It’s lashing down with rain and it’s New Years eve. We get provisions from the shop near Manor House tube. It’s a really nice area actually.

Irena want to stop off for cheapo booze for tonight’s gig in Sheffield, which is a New Years eve party in a warehouse space.

We take the van up Green Lane towards Wood Green, there’s a shopping parade there, the traffic comes to a stand still security guards are on the gates traffic spills out on the road and clogs up the junction, nothing can move.

The security guard says “Mate it will take 2 hours to get in there and get parked up and 2 hours to get out, you are best off somewhere else” we take his advice. English people shopping like it’s the start of Armageddon, for one day’s public holiday. Hang a left let’s get out of London. We get petrol near Crouch End.

6 Japanese blokes getting out of a van dressed for rock n roll stops the shoppers in their tracks. People the band, don’t notice other people staring at them. I find it funny it’s like the Beatles all dressed the same in Hard Day’s Night getting out of the car.

Satoshi and Shinso photograph everything

We don’t get chased by screaming girls though.

Follow the Sat Nav, right left right, down some suburban Crouch End street through the narrowest of railway arches and whoosh out onto Archway Road, follow the north circular and back on to the motorway for some proper driving. Bye London.

We get back up to the Aldi just off the motorway at Leicester. Stop off for food. People get a shopping trolley and go round the place like a bunch of mad jabbering children they can’t wait to sample more English brands of lager, I get a bottle of red for the evening. Yohei (fried Rice) chucks a leg of pork into the shopping trolley and the rest of them laugh their socks off at him. They put it back. Shinso wants to see “Where is Tomato Sauce?” we get to tomato sauce and also brown sauce People look like they’ve seen the holy grail. They grab the holy sauce and that’s in the shopping trolley.

The girl at the checkout says “Konnichiwa!” “blimey she’s got a strong local accent” I think…. she’s talking to the band you dunce. It means “Hello” in Japanese.

And off to Sheffield. Ignore Sat Nav which wants us to go through Chesterfield on J29. Don’t know why, also why does BBC news refer to M1 J30 as Sheffield South when it’s clearly Chesterfield north and Worksop like it says on the sign. Still in Derbyshire, wrong county, BBC muppets.

Explain to Irena that Bolsover, Ireland and Markham coal mines used to exist round here, my Grandad was in charge of the mines rescue service for this area.

What guts he had my Grandad. There’s a fire down the pit, get your breathing apparatus on and try to save the coal miners…people reckon we’ve gone soft these days; well let me tell you the story about the day our office ran out of paperclips… or maybe not

Get off at J31 pretty much dual carriageway straight into Sheffield, easy peasy, negotiate the big roundabout at the bottom of the main shopping street and past where the Marples pub used to be, saw a few bands there in my time. The good thing about driving a big wagon like this is that everyone gives you a wide berth, nobody cuts you up, who knows what sort of nutter lurks within the white van with the tinted windows?…

Kichi

.

Find the venue, it’s a rehearsal space in City Centre not far from Sheffield Hallam Uni-or the Polytechnic to give it it’s real title. Arundel Street is all warehouses.

Brian is the chap who has set up this gig. He says they have rented it and the owner says they can do whatever they like with it for a month. They set up the PA, and seem to be just finishing making the floor boards when we get in, it’s freezing in here.

Warmer in the van than in the club, I retreat there for a kip- I put this on Facebook and get a few likes and comments. New Years Eve and I am Captain Sober. Irena later explains that Brian took a band on tour round Holland and stole some cheese at a petrol station, he got caught and the police forced him to pay a fine other wise they would have not let him go and the tour would have been in jeopardy . Cheese jokes abound concerning Brian. He’s in charge so he’s the big cheese tonight…stop it

Vibrant Sheffield City Centre

It’s £5 to get in and bring your own booze. I snooze in the van. Hear the sounds of various groups showing up, decide to pop back into the venue, it’s heaving in there, have to fight my way in.

They said it was going to be nuts, it is.

Black Cop Mosh fest

A Scottish band have travelled down for this, Black Cop is the name of the band. They are tight musically, the Asian singer charges into the crowd and sings/barks like a dog in a hardcore stylee, crowd go mental and it looks like on of those cartoon fights with a cloud of dust with fists and feet flying everywhere.

The room is tightly packed and its going mad in there, there’s only one toilet and people have to fight their way across the room to get there, I’m aware that there’s no fire exit and I don’t know what the capacity of the room is but the must have gone way over it. Talk about sober, sensible and knackered on a New Years Eve, is that all I can think about? Fire regulations?

After the band I sit on one of the sofas in the back room of the space, the area is covered with gig flyers from the early 80s onwards, I went to some of these shows, I feel old, mainly because I am.

A woman of my age comes to talk to me, she asks if am I “The Driver” as If I am some poor quality superhero. “No I’m the People Carrier“ I say. She’s the wife of Mark who we picked the records up from in Leicester, and he’s sitting there as well I wondered where I recognised him from. I forget her name, she says they saw Irena’s advert for a driver and thought the tour would be off.

A bit later I have to go to the van, the crowd has spilled out side and there’s a distinct whiff of jazz cigarettes. Brian and crew usher people back in, this might feel fairly remote but we are in a city centre, if one Police car comes round the corner and the party’s over.

I go towards the van, its dimly lit on the street, somebody seems to looking into the van, “here we go” I think “The van’s going to get robbed”. I put my keys in my fist with the key pointing out between my knuckles.

I'm guarding this

I shout over “Alright mate” give him a chance to see I have seen him, maybe he’ll leg it.

He doesn’t hear me and then proceeds to piss against the van. I get close and realise it’s Mark from Leicester, thanks for that mate, I was about to shout something else when his wife emerged from between our van and her car where she’s obviously been having a slash as well. I don’t need to say anything else.

Sheffield Crowd go nuts Kichi gets dragged in for a mosh

People go on at about 11pm, all the folks we’ve met on tour said its going to be a crazy one tonight they weren’t wrong. Crowd go nuts, invade the stage, Satoshi on guitar gets held aloft by the crowd whilst soloing and passed over their heads. They finish their set but the crowd won’t let them go. Audience members jump onstage grab the mics and start chanting “Fuckin’ell, Fuckin’ell, Fuckin’ell.”

People are forced to play some songs again Shinso ends up standing on the bass drum singing, I have to hold the PA system up, people keep slamming into it.

People come back again to play another song exactly on midnight to see in 2014. Bye 2013 you’ve been a pain in the neck. Start of 2014 what a party.

https://soundcloud.com/noise-punk-records/people-character-noise-punk 
People song "Character"

As soon as the band finish the DJ excels himself with Sonic Reducer by the Dead Boys, the whole crowd singing along- then Paranoid, Rock n Roll by Led Zep and the entire crowd is in such a good mood that they stay to boogie in a drunken ironic way to Down Down by the Quo. You had to be there. It was raucous.

Wake up Hirotaka

Irena’s drunk so is everyone else I leave her to sort out somewhere for us to kip, aren’t you supposed to do this before the tour?

But seeing as most of these people seem to know each other it all seems to work.

We are staying at someone’s house, down the A61 past B and Q, then a left up possibly the steepest hill in Christendom. 
We are staying here, I park on a flat-ish street at the top of the hill.

A steep hill, Sheffield, New Year's Day

We all pile into Donna’s house it’s a 2 up 2 down terrace, half the people from the gig and the band seem to be crashing here. I kip on the kitchen floor after polishing off my first drink of the evening, my bottle that survived from Leicester Aldi.

Next Time...Van Disasters...no burgers and Beatles