Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Get in the LUXURY Van

Get in the LUXURY Van

Part One

Saturday night 28th December 

10 pm looking at the Internet, the country seems to be closed down for the long Christmas holiday.

Active Rebellion punk promotions are putting out a desperate Facebook message for someone to drive a Japanese band called "People" round the UK. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fU6CfCb5I0 
People. 
listen here.

I ask my other half if I can do it? “Go For it“ she says, so I reply.



The tour starts tomorrow,
Irena replies, she’s been let down by someone, do I have full drivers licence? proof of identity, no drink driving convictions and the correct inside leg measurement so that the van hire company will let me do the tour?
Yep. The band is called People they are from Japan I look on the Internet, there’s footage of them doing one song, and they seem OK.



Let's go, Never done a music tour before, just like Henry Rollins. I'm going to Get in The Van

Sunday 29th Dec 2013


I am to meet Irena at Dewsbury station she’s from Belgrade, Serbia and lives in Leeds.
We will pick up the van mid-day, 
I drive over from Manchester in my car, which has a slight oil leak and something a bit wonky with the steering. The local garage says it’s not worth fixing and I may as well get a new one. Sorry faithful old BMW, but you’re going to the scrap yard soon and you don’t know it yet.

We get to the van hire place in Batley, BAND TOURS
http://www.bandtours.co.uk/van-hire/ where Brad checks my documents 
OK there’s points on my licence but they are just over three years old and are therefore wiped off. Not only is he ok with that, but then says “Oh you can have the luxury van as its’ only for a week, someone let me down on hiring this one.”




It’s a 9 seater 3 seats in front six seats around a table in the back for band. DVD player, and a separate compartment in the back for all the musical equipment. 







Irena can’t believe her luck. 
I can’t believe the size of the thing. 
It’s a long wheel base van I’ve got a transit at home, but this thing is bigger than anything I’ve ever driven. 
One step further and it would be a coach.

What a van


We expected a transit with people piled on top of the amps up and down the country, but this is the life. 
Band Tours have rock memorabilia from loads of bands that have used their kit all over the walls of the office. New Order, Bullet For My Valentine, Deaf Havana and Gallows are amongst the big names; I note they have also worked with the Lost Prophets; hope Ian Watkins didn’t use our luxury van. I don’t mention this to Brad

The best thing about the van, from my point of view, is it has parking sensors, which means if you get too close to anything the sensors beep. Also if you fancy a kip you can put the alarm on and still lock yourself inside, without the alarm going off. The main thing is to take a wide turning when negotiating corners. We check out the van for scratches and dents. If I dent it, Irena loses her van deposit, so no pressure then.

This company is great, what’s it doing in Batley near Dewsbury West Yorks? It’s not rock n roll central is it? But hang on why shouldn’t it be in Batley? I leave the BMW, Get in the van, turn the keys and off we go. “Don’t scrape the van before you get out of the car park, don’t stall it on the main road, let everyone think you know what you are doing, don’t mess it up, focus, focus concentrate” is the only thing going through my mind.

We have to go to Irena’s place in Hyde Park, Leeds to pick up her distro. Records, T shirts CDs and general punk stuff that she sells mail order and at gigs. I have driven to this area of Leeds many times but I have never been into Leeds and out of the place on the same road twice.

Irena does not drive and only rides a bike so she doesn’t know the way round the City Centre, Inner City Loop, Inner City Ring Road, Outer City Ring Road and New Stretch of Motorway that subsequent town planners have built to help drivers around the previously congested relief road around Leeds..

We get lost.
Lost

Mainly by the fact that we have to go up the hill to roughly the university area we get un-lost again.

Irena recognises where we are and gets us to her house. Henry Rollins lived for a short while a few streets away whilst writing his first solo album. Terraced houses in students ville with a Mosque on the corner, it’s quiet as all students are away.
Then we have to go to the warehouse where all the back line (never really knew what back line meant- it’s drums and amps) is stored.

Then we stop off for petrol and go to the Fox and Newt pub to pay the deposit for the venue on what will be the last date of the tour, in 6 days time.

We meet up with Charlie who I have seen doing the sound at loads of gigs he emerges with all the kit. We load up and off we go. 
The next bit of the plan is to stop off near Leicester to pick up People’s records. Someone has made a pressing of their album and we have to pick up a box of records at the Aldi near Leicester…it’s all been pre programmed into the sat nav, without this, we’d be lost. Hail mighty Tom Tom for without thee we would have been mightily screwed.

On the way out of Leeds on the inner/outer confus-athon ring road, a car comes straight toward us going the wrong way up a one way dual carriageway. I avoid it, the black family inside the car are berating dad who is driving, he wears a look of increasing panic on his face. Over the next few days I hear no reports of an entire family wiped out in inner Leeds. I know there’s some bad drivers on the road, but I’ll excuse anyone who messes up in Leeds, David Livingstone would get lost here.

We are late, it’s 3pm we have a stop to make, and I ask Irena what time the Japanese band’s plane gets in “6.30 at Heathrow”…200 miles in 3 hours?…..Now why do road crews have a reputation for taking speed?
It’s Christmas and luckily there’s little traffic once we get onto the M1.
I floor it.

Get to Heathrow at 7pm, but we have to go to Teminal 5 due to the size of the van, I park up taking roughly 4 adjacent car parking spaces
Irena goes to terminal 4 to find the band, she insists I stay with the van. I wanted to meet the band at the airport with a cardboard sign saying “Spinal Tap”
A popular airport terminal









I wait and wait and wait and have a coffee and another, I text Irena. Suddenly nearly 2 hours later she knocks on the cab window there she is with 6 Japanese guys. They are tiny. Most of them are roughly 5 foot five. “Do you speak English?” I ask
 They look at each other. “No”

People
The leader then bows to me and says his name, I shake hands, they all say their names which I instantly forget. “Roland” I say indicating myself.
“Aah, Lo-rand” they say.
Well nearly.
Benny Hill’s Chinese character springs to mind, I chuckle to myself.
It’s not a very PC thought, in fact a bit lacist
They get in the van, I am exhausted, been driving since 10 am.

We are doing to Deptford. Millwall territory, great, in the dark, we leave Heathrow at 9pm. The band are onstage at 10 at the Birds Nest pub.
Well they will be, if this van turns into a helicopter.

Follow sat nav, M4 into London turn right through Earls Court, go along the river, cross over Vauxhall Bridge at roughly 10pm…Irena’s on the phone to the venue they stop the bands playing at 10.30 due to local licensing laws on a Sunday. A few more calls and the landlord will allow them to play a bit longer as they are arriving late. Best of luck with this one People, whatever your names are, I've forgotten them… Yoko? Sanyo? Toshiba?

They don’t seem phased I’d better stop worrying nothing to do but follow the Sat Nav dahn the Owd Kent Rd. 
Suddenly Irena spots where we are, she’s run loads of gigs and tours and this is on the DIY scene. “Left here” we go left off the main drag there’s an ominous looking estate looming on the left, and suddenly the pub’s on the right.
Sarf Lahndan


A punk crowd is out side, they cheer as they see us, I spin it round the round about and park right out side the pub, open the back door, People grab guitars run in tune up, onstage and belt through a 20 minute set.

Pub is The Bird’s Nest, it’s been a music venue for a long time, Squeeze, Dire Straits and Chas n Dave have all played here. About 300 odd years before that, Shakespeare’s chum Christopher Marlow used to enjoy a pint here, before he was stabbed to death in Deptford. I still have it in my mind that they might do that to outsiders round here. Marlow may have written a few decent plays, but he never came up with anything as good as “Gertcha” who’s the winner there then? it’s Chas n Dave in my book. Then again my book is the Chas n Dave annual 1978
Quick, get out of the van


Irena sets up merchandise and sells records Cds and T-shirts. I sit at the back and shut my eyes and drink a diet coke, exhausted. People sound pretty good. An amalgam of various punk styles, Dickies, Stupids, Sex Pistols, Chaos UK, Crass and maybe Hawkwind with some jangly indie pop thrown in. Mainly sung in Japanese, the locals like them. Hey not too shabby these lads.

The crowd are all punk of the thrasher crusty variety, on this DIY scene it seems the black hoody is de riguer along with a woolly hat and a jacket covered in patches advertising sub –Discharge hardcore noise.
People at The Bird's Nest


An awful thought hits me, “What if I thought they were crap?” Would I really be able to spend a week with them? A facebook conversation is going on at my expense in which people think I’ve obviously been lured out and kidnapped by Japanese cannibals, and in some bizarre Hammer Horror plot been lured out to London’s dodgiest district, where I’m going to end up as a human sacrifice.

Communication is in sign language and bits of English, Yoshi, who isn’t in the band has come along with his mates to take photos; and speaks the best English. 
We soon work out sign language for all the essential words, Guitar, Van, Sleep, Food, Supply Side Economic Theory etc…The band have called it the “Anarchy Tour” The “Oh God I'm exhausted” tour seems more appropriate.

Irena is known to the local punksters, they are mainly falling down drunk, I’m praying for sleep. Everyone is going to Wayne’s for something to eat. Hi Wayne, Don’t know who you are but thanks for the invite. 
Round at Wayne's

The band are kipping above the pub which doubles as a hostel. I park the van up in a new build estate next to one of the punters flats. We put the back of the van up close to a hedge making it harder for anyone hoping to steal out of the back, which is also locked. Good job for the parking sensors or I’d have taken out half the street. Irena insists on kipping in the van as she has her kit in there. The theory being that robbers are less likely to steal from a van when there’s someone in it, my idea is that you are more likely to get murdered if you are in there whilst someone breaks in.
I crash at Wayne’s it’s on the main street. Downstairs from the flat is an African café, where after hours the local Africans are having a jam session and playing music with the bass at a frequency set to “bowel loosening”, how dare these weirdoes play music after hours? We’d never dream of it!

To be fair the whole flats complex is vibrating with the noise and riddim and it is 2 am, Wayne phones the council noise people who come round and register the complaint.
The band downstairs stops.
I am half awake wondering if an African bass player is going to smash the door in, sod it I’m too tired, if I die here, at least I’m comfy.

Monday

Wake up 11am Wayne’s going to work in a restaurant. Gotta go, now to find the van, where was it? Round the flats. Find it, Irena’s there, she pops into Mia’s flat for a wash and brush up. Mia’s Japanese girl who was at the show last night, we pop to find the band back at the Bird’s Nest. Mia’s doing a lot of the talking.

We go to Deptford high street the winter sun is out and the High Street looks a great place, all pedestrianised, take back everything I said about Deptford. 
Lots of unusual individual shops, a really nice fishmongers and clothes shops. 
We get to the Waiting Room Coffee Shop just next to the station.
www.deptforddame.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/waiting-room-coffee-shop.html


Kids On Coffee

This is a fine establishment serving drinks at a bargainous price, better than you’d find in Costabucks. Descendents coffee mugs and Black Flag logos abound.

Band, Irena (right) me at the back
6 Japanese guys in Parkas, berets and sunglasses, who go round in a scrum, cause a stir as they photograph everything , they seem particularly keen on photos of food and drinks.

Well if we have a tour together we’d better break down some barriers and find our who’s who. They write their names down
So “People” are…

Satoshi Yakushiji (nickname Boogie) Guitar and Chaos Beret
Hirotaka Kuroki Drums, Blue Parka
Yohei Asaki (nickname Fried Rice) Guitar and Beret
Yohei Kamino Photos and Fisherman’s Cap
Kichi Hirkawa Bass and Tennis Shade
Shinso Saski Vocals and Scarf

They’re on their second album, they made their first one and then a group member left acrimoniously. They come from Oita which is on the western most island of Japan.

When not making a racket, People work as copper smelters, for Mazda, in a noodle sauce factory, as builders and farmers.

Coffee negotiated, we thank our hosts and find the van is still there, locals wondering what the hell has landed in the middle of their estate.
Get back in the van

Tonight it’s north London in Dalston. As it won’t take long to get there we follow the satnav to Camden town for sight seeing. Drive back through central London and straight up Camden high street in the middle of tourist throng.

Photos taken out side a massage parlour, People don’t know what this place is, or why we think it’s funny, I make the international sign for wanking and they fall about laughing.

We take People to All Ages Records on Pratt St, http://www.allagesrecords.com/
I could have bought the shop, come out with a Social Distortion CD. 
Irena sells some of People’s LP to the shop for re sale. Guys from the shop are coming tonight to the show.

Traipse through all the market stalls in Camden, Shinso buys a fluffy mohair jumper, from a stall selling knitwear, Irena says that of all the shops we thought they’d go in, this one is the least likely.
Camden

Quick pint, then off to the gig. Its on Dalston High Street, at a place called Powerlunches. Need to try to find somewhere to park a long wheel base van outside, finally get somewhere down the street a bit, after the sat nav has taken us in ever decreasing circles, instructing me to go down various dead ends and non –existent streets.

Powerlunches is a Café bar upstairs with a gig space downstairs, we get fed, thanks. It seems to be owned by Swedish and German people. 

Last night a chap called Jesus came along, tonight he’s here again, not the actual Jesus - I checked for stigmata. The bouncer won’t let him back in as he’s been found with some whiskey in his pocket trying to smuggle it into the club. Jesus calls the bouncer a c*nt, I thought Jesus was supposed to forgive people.? Why didn’t he just turn some water into wine?

Tonight’s support is Disorder. People love Disorder.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcB9T_6Lfps 
Disorder were an early 80s UK band from Bristol who had a reputation for chaotic drunken cider antics. In their heyday they were considered the most noisy thrashy band going, compared to a lot of stuff since, they sound fairly pop. 
The only original member left is Taf. They are a 3 piece now having existed with varying line ups, the punks love them. 
Disorder once made a record called “Distortion til Deafness”, I put earplugs in.

People play and the crowd go nuts for them,
People at Dalston
dragging them back for encores. Same set as last night


Where to sleep though? Irena’s been putting out facebook messages. 
After People play she says she’s found somewhere, it’s a squat. OK it’s going to be a rat infested hovel populated by junkies and it'll be warmer in the van then?

A Polish guy called Harry puts his bike in the van with drunken band who don’t complain…they’re so polite.
Harry guides us to the squat, what Dickensian nightmare hell hole will we end up in?

It’s massive, it’s on Green Lanes just next to Finsbury Park. 
The Squat is the former offices and HQ of Unite the Union. The building’s surrounded by builders wire fences and looks like it’s either being done up or demolished. Squatters have a padlock on the gates, we reverse the van in and an enormous Polish guy called Kubla wearing a colourful 80s style tracksuit guides us in.
What a lovely squat


It’s a massive office block, it seems the union workers have walked out and left it like the Marie Celeste. 
Office furniture is still in all the rooms, stacks of filing cabinets are still there, the toilets work and the electricity is on.
Thanks Unite you are helping the poor.
Harry insists on giving us more food, we get drunk and our hosts select offices for us to kip in. It’s better than your average Travelodge.
Apparently it can’t be knocked down due to the 2 reservoirs at the back which I note have sailing boats and a boating club.
Yohei, Hirotaka and Yohei

The view out of the back of the squat

Tuesday
It’s lashing down with rain and it’s New Years eve. We get provisions from the shop near Manor House tube. It’s a really nice area actually.

Irena want to stop off for cheapo booze for tonight’s gig in Sheffield, which is a New Years eve party in a warehouse space.

We take the van up Green Lane towards Wood Green, there’s a shopping parade there, the traffic comes to a stand still security guards are on the gates traffic spills out on the road and clogs up the junction, nothing can move.

The security guard says “Mate it will take 2 hours to get in there and get parked up and 2 hours to get out, you are best off somewhere else” we take his advice. English people shopping like it’s the start of Armageddon, for one day’s public holiday. Hang a left let’s get out of London. We get petrol near Crouch End.

6 Japanese blokes getting out of a van dressed for rock n roll stops the shoppers in their tracks. People the band, don’t notice other people staring at them. I find it funny it’s like the Beatles all dressed the same in Hard Day’s Night getting out of the car.
Satoshi and Shinso photograph everything



We don’t get chased by screaming girls though.

Follow the Sat Nav, right left right, down some suburban Crouch End street through the narrowest of railway arches and whoosh out onto Archway Road, follow the north circular and back on to the motorway for some proper driving. Bye London.

We get back up to the Aldi just off the motorway at Leicester. Stop off for food. People get a shopping trolley and go round the place like a bunch of mad jabbering children they can’t wait to sample more English brands of lager, I get a bottle of red for the evening. Yohei (fried Rice) chucks a leg of pork into the shopping trolley and the rest of them laugh their socks off at him. They put it back. Shinso wants to see “Where is Tomato Sauce?” we get to tomato sauce and also brown sauce People look like they’ve seen the holy grail. They grab the holy sauce and that’s in the shopping trolley.

The girl at the checkout says “Konnichiwa!” “blimey she’s got a strong local accent” I think…. she’s talking to the band you dunce. It means “Hello” in Japanese.

And off to Sheffield. Ignore Sat Nav which wants us to go through Chesterfield on J29. Don’t know why, also why does BBC news refer to M1 J30 as Sheffield South when it’s clearly Chesterfield north and Worksop like it says on the sign. Still in Derbyshire, wrong county, BBC muppets.

Explain to Irena that Bolsover, Ireland and Markham coal mines used to exist round here, my Grandad was in charge of the mines rescue service for this area.

What guts he had my Grandad. There’s a fire down the pit, get your breathing apparatus on and try to save the coal miners…people reckon we’ve gone soft these days; well let me tell you the story about the day our office ran out of paperclips… or maybe not

Get off at J31 pretty much dual carriageway straight into Sheffield, easy peasy, negotiate the big roundabout at the bottom of the main shopping street and past where the Marples pub used to be, saw a few bands there in my time. The good thing about driving a big wagon like this is that everyone gives you a wide berth, nobody cuts you up, who knows what sort of nutter lurks within the white van with the tinted windows?…
Kichi
.

Find the venue, it’s a rehearsal space in City Centre not far from Sheffield Hallam Uni-or the Polytechnic to give it it’s real title. Arundel Street is all warehouses.

Brian is the chap who has set up this gig. He says they have rented it and the owner says they can do whatever they like with it for a month. They set up the PA, and seem to be just finishing making the floor boards when we get in, it’s freezing in here.

Warmer in the van than in the club, I retreat there for a kip- I put this on Facebook and get a few likes and comments. New Years Eve and I am Captain Sober. Irena later explains that Brian took a band on tour round Holland and stole some cheese at a petrol station, he got caught and the police forced him to pay a fine other wise they would have not let him go and the tour would have been in jeopardy . Cheese jokes abound concerning Brian. He’s in charge so he’s the big cheese tonight…stop it
Vibrant Sheffield City Centre


It’s £5 to get in and bring your own booze. I snooze in the van. Hear the sounds of various groups showing up, decide to pop back into the venue, it’s heaving in there, have to fight my way in.
They said it was going to be nuts, it is.
Black Cop Mosh fest
A Scottish band have travelled down for this, Black Cop is the name of the band. They are tight musically, the Asian singer charges into the crowd and sings/barks like a dog in a hardcore stylee, crowd go mental and it looks like on of those cartoon fights with a cloud of dust with fists and feet flying everywhere.

The room is tightly packed and its going mad in there, there’s only one toilet and people have to fight their way across the room to get there, I’m aware that there’s no fire exit and I don’t know what the capacity of the room is but the must have gone way over it. Talk about sober, sensible and knackered on a New Years Eve, is that all I can think about? Fire regulations?

After the band I sit on one of the sofas in the back room of the space, the area is covered with gig flyers from the early 80s onwards, I went to some of these shows, I feel old, mainly because I am.

A woman of my age comes to talk to me, she asks if am I “The Driver” as If I am some poor quality superhero. “No I’m the People Carrier“ I say. She’s the wife of Mark who we picked the records up from in Leicester, and he’s sitting there as well I wondered where I recognised him from. I forget her name, she says they saw Irena’s advert for a driver and thought the tour would be off.

A bit later I have to go to the van, the crowd has spilled out side and there’s a distinct whiff of jazz cigarettes. Brian and crew usher people back in, this might feel fairly remote but we are in a city centre, if one Police car comes round the corner and the party’s over.

I go towards the van, its dimly lit on the street, somebody seems to looking into the van, “here we go” I think “The van’s going to get robbed”. I put my keys in my fist with the key pointing out between my knuckles.
I'm guarding this
I shout over “Alright mate” give him a chance to see I have seen him, maybe he’ll leg it.
He doesn’t hear me and then proceeds to piss against the van. I get close and realise it’s Mark from Leicester, thanks for that mate, I was about to shout something else when his wife emerged from between our van and her car where she’s obviously been having a slash as well. I don’t need to say anything else.
Sheffield Crowd go nuts Kichi gets dragged in for a mosh

People go on at about 11pm, all the folks we’ve met on tour said its going to be a crazy one tonight they weren’t wrong. Crowd go nuts, invade the stage, Satoshi on guitar gets held aloft by the crowd whilst soloing and passed over their heads. They finish their set but the crowd won’t let them go. Audience members jump onstage grab the mics and start chanting “Fuckin’ell, Fuckin’ell, Fuckin’ell.”
People are forced to play some songs again Shinso ends up standing on the bass drum singing, I have to hold the PA system up, people keep slamming into it.

People come back again to play another song exactly on midnight to see in 2014. Bye 2013 you’ve been a pain in the neck. Start of 2014 what a party.

https://soundcloud.com/noise-punk-records/people-character-noise-punk 
People song "Character"

As soon as the band finish the DJ excels himself with Sonic Reducer by the Dead Boys, the whole crowd singing along- then Paranoid, Rock n Roll by Led Zep and the entire crowd is in such a good mood that they stay to boogie in a drunken ironic way to Down Down by the Quo. You had to be there. It was raucous.
Wake up Hirotaka


Irena’s drunk so is everyone else I leave her to sort out somewhere for us to kip, aren’t you supposed to do this before the tour?
But seeing as most of these people seem to know each other it all seems to work.

We are staying at someone’s house, down the A61 past B and Q, then a left up possibly the steepest hill in Christendom. 
We are staying here, I park on a flat-ish street at the top of the hill.
A steep hill, Sheffield, New Year's Day


We all pile into Donna’s house it’s a 2 up 2 down terrace, half the people from the gig and the band seem to be crashing here. I kip on the kitchen floor after polishing off my first drink of the evening, my bottle that survived from Leicester Aldi.



Next Time...Van Disasters...no burgers and Beatles






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